![]() ![]() When your partner raises their voice at your child, you will notice that there is a conflict between values for your child and your partner. Your values depend on what’s going on in your environment. There’s no end game, remember? So, then it’s what can I do right now to be loving towards my son in this moment? It could be checking in with him, “Can I check in with you about what happened?. A value of loving would be “to express love and care in my actions towards others.” If I value being loving as a parent and hug my child to express my value of being “loving” and he doesn’t return it, I didn’t fail at my value. If you can’t control the actions behind it, it’s not a value. When we move to values, people often will say “my value is having someone who treats me with love and respect.” Sometimes when my adult clients ask for help on their dating profiles, we will discuss the qualities they are looking for in a partner. ![]() Values are about your actions, not other people’s. In the long run, though, following my values may create more positive emotions. As my grandmother used to say, “it is what it is.” And, as I often tell my clients, the feelings that come along with following your values look less like the scene from Wizard of Oz with the happy munchkins and more like the part where they walked through the dark forest with flying monkeys, lions, tigers, and bears, oh my! If I spend time taking care of my partner on the weekend when he is sick, I will be sacrificing things that might be more fun. Has anyone ever told you to calm down? How did it work? You feel what you feel. Sometimes people will say that a value as a feeling like “being happy” or “feeling successful.” As much as we want control over our feelings, we don’t have it. My parenting value of being loving could guide a goal for an action of taking 10 minutes a day to give my child special time with minimal interruptions and active listening and specific labeled praise. ![]() I’m done acting like your parent.” A goal is different. There’s no point where I will say, “There you go. J tells her clients, values are the “infinite end game.” My values as a parent can never be attained. Here are some important rules about values: In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, values form the why and the how of action. ![]()
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